It would be trespassing on your credulity to suggest that the Sweaty Federalist is an expert on dating, thus I will use this preamble to confess that the romance arrow is not prominent among my quiver of skills. But I am a keen observer of our President and the enthusiasm showered on him by liberal single women, so today I shall endeavor to be your wingman, if the object of your affection happens to sport an Obama/Biden 2012 sticker on her Prius.
- On your first date, offer to pay for her birth control pills.
I know what you are thinking. $9 per month at the Wal-Mart pharmacy is a steep price to pay for hours of snuggling on the couch watching The Rachel Maddow Show. But if her sister-in-arms Sandra Fluke is willing to publicly embarrass herself before millions of Americans for a few free 28-paks of Ortho-Novum, imagine what your date would do in the parking lot at a Springsteen concert.
- Blame her last boyfriend for all of her problems.
At dinner at a vegetarian Thai restaurant, be sure to listen dutifully to the she-liberal’s complaints. Bad hair day? Dead-end job? Tens of thousands in student loans taken out so she could major in Bilingual Anthropology? Blame her last boyfriend. Since you know this not to be true, be forceful but vague. And look deeply into her eyes and assure her that in another four years she’ll be just fine.
- Decorate your bedroom with Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Nancy Pelosi and Elizabeth Warren posters.
Nature shorted Debbie, Nancy and Liz in both classic standards of beauty and mental wattage. No matter. By feigning adoration of that shrill triumvirate you’ll be getting down to Nature in no time, if you know what I mean. Warning: Don’t forget to flip off the light switch; I don’t want my readers traumatized for life.
- Do all of the above on a credit card you probably can’t pay back.
Insolvency has an aphrodisiac effect on Democrat women. Give her a gentle foot-rub while you chat up the merits of $16 trillion in sovereign debt. You will definitely thank me later. Wink wink.
- After you’ve gotten her to bed, break every last one of your promises.
Liberal women love being misled. Attend an anti-war protest with her, and then spend every other waking minute playing war games on your Xbox 360. Promise to pay half of her premium cable bill so she can watch Girls on HBO, then pawn her Dad’s golf clubs to pay for your share. This is your chance to get creative as long as you stick with Barry’s-tried-and-true theme: raise expectations to improbable heights and then dash them all in dramatic form.
Good luck, but please understand you accept my advice at your own risk. I’m pretty sure it just might work…