The Sweaty Federalist need not be waterboarded to confess a hard bias against socialism, neo-conservatism, big government, nanny-statism, liberals claiming to be moderates, taxes, the United Nations and Debbie Wasserman-Shultz. But in an attempt to be politically ecumenical, I’ll give you five solid reasons to re-elect Barack Hussein Obama.
- If you own an Obamaphone.
Those whose economic prospects were destroyed by 40 years of Great Society programs that enslaved and concentrated the urban poor in crime-infested housing, crappy public schools and poverty-level households, I ask you to continue to reward Democrats with your votes, because clearly they care more for your well-being than any electoral strategy that makes you shamelessly dependent on government handouts.
- If you work for the Federal Government.
Why bother with theoretical questions of constitutionality and that pesky Tenth Amendment when you earn $150,000 per year and work fewer hours than your neighbor who toils away in the private sector? If I were one of the two million-plus federal civilian employees with guaranteed pensions and lifetime employment, I wouldn’t risk chancing Mitt Romney – who, even absent any known libertarian tendencies – understands a thing or two about workforce productivity.
- If you work for General Motors.
Who else but Keynesian central planners would invest and be willing lose tens of billions of taxpayer dollars in a union-suffocated car company? Need a Federal intervention against secured bondholders? Billions in taxpayer subsidies? Drive that Chevy Volt to the nearest voting precinct and pull the lever for Mr. Obama.
- If you manufacture guns and ammo.
Walk into any gun store and you’ll be told that their number one salesman is Barack Obama. The American Left much prefers made-up constitutional rights, like the right to kill pre-born babies, than real ones, like the right to arm yourself as a foil against government tyranny. Say what you want about Barry, Hillary and the UN Small Arms Treaty, but they are driving up gun sales. Obama 2012!
- If you own a glass company.
The Ancient Greeks, notably Pythagoras and Euclid, were really good at math. Not so much true of modern Greeks, whose debt to GDP ratio is now 160%. Hence the emergency austerity measures that are now causing the heretofore coddled Greeks to form mass riots and smash things in city centers. Fiscal incontinence of the type practiced by Mr. Obama never ends well. But if you can make a few bucks when the Occupy nitwidgets return with tire irons, why not?