Dear Sweaty Federalist,
Last night I watched Sandra Fluke give her address at the DNC and I think I am in love. You see, I am attracted to shrill, unattractive liberals of dubious gender allegiance, like Rachel Maddow. My concern isn’t that Miss Fluke will not return my affection; rather, I am worried that Mitt Romney will get elected President and leave us without government-subsidized birth control. What should I do?
Liberal in Love
Dear Liberal in Love,
Take a cold shower and get a job.
Best regards,
The Sweaty Federalist
Dear Sweaty Federalist,
I was having second thoughts about voting for Barack Obama, but Bill Clinton made me feel all tingly again about being a Democrat. Bill said that a broadly shared prosperity is our destiny, and that our economy was so deeply damaged by Republicans that it isn’t fair to expect to turn it around in just four years. Then I thought, why, yes, the Republicans caused the recession. If only they spent more money like Barack Obama and we’d have more investment and jobs like we do now, I mean, or, somehow if the government spent more money now we’d have even more jobs, or something like that according to my favorite columnist Paul Krugman. Sorry, now I’m getting confused, economics is so not my thing. Anyway, how can you not feel hope from the man from Hope?
Progressive Patty
Dear Progressive Patty,
First off, if you feel tingly after spending time with Bill Clinton, I recommend that you see a doctor immediately. They have antibiotic creams for that.
Second, I wholeheartedly concur that leftwing economics are not easy to understand because they do, in fact, defy common sense. That said, if you wish to make me a very big loan that you know I can’t pay back, please contact me off-line for my wiring instructions. In the meanwhile, please do not vote.
Best regards,
The Sweaty Federalist
Dear Sweaty Federalist,
I am in awe of Elizabeth Warren! She has the guts to call out millionaires, billionaires and big corporations who don’t pay their fair share in taxes! She stands up for those tricked by credit cards, fooled by student loans and cheated on mortgages! She wants good paying jobs and a strong middle class! You are a heartless rightwinger if you disagree!
Tricked, Fooled & Cheated
Dear Tricked, Fooled & Cheated,
I bet you all the NPR coffee mugs in Elizabeth Warren’s kitchen cabinet that if Barack Obama gets four more years to suffer new taxes on the only real job creators in this country, the middle class will be as destitute as a Cherokee Indian reservation. I do agree, however, that hard-working Americans do not pay their fair share in taxes. The top 10% who make 44% of all income pay 68% of all federal income taxes. That, my friend, is not fair.
Best regards,
The Sweaty Federalist