Nature is uneven in its treatment of Democrats. It seems that in the few instances Nature allotted intellect, it was paired with the sinister mien of Dr. Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth. Think Paul Krugman. To those it gave greed, it was matched with the thuggery of Josef Stalin. Think the SEIU. To those on whom Nature bestowed a saint’s devotion to progressive social causes, it booby-trapped their frontal lobes to freeze over upon encountering reason. Think of the doe-eyed coeds camping in Zuccotti Park. And the rest were given the easy conscience to always let somebody else pick up the check.

I highlight the aforementioned categories to give you a leg up should you meet a specimen this week at Starbucks, your son’s T-ball game or the dog park.

Our goal is not to exert excessive energy attempting convert Democrats. Conversion is best done by example. Be interesting, reliable, likeable, funny and hard-working and you will make a fine ambassador of conservatism. But if you do decide to engage a Democrat, do so playfully. If you find very little genius in his initial argument, just see what’s in store after you’ve raised his heart rate an extra 30 beats per minute.

Here are some examples how:

If a Dr. Evil Democrat says, “Austerity is bad policy.Washington needs to invest in clean energy and road projects to gin up the economy.”

You say, “Interesting. Keynesian economic policy prolonged the Great Depression, stagnated our economy during the Carter years and had no measurable effect after trillions of stimulus spending since 2008. Out on a limb here but I’m thinking it didn’t help Greece either. Let me guess, either you won the Nobel Prize or were promised a cabinet spot during Obama’s second term.”

If a Thug Democrat says, “We need good payin’ jobs. Republicans are in the pockets of big corporations and rich guys who don’t pay their fair share. I’m lookin’ out for the middle class.” [Note: Thug Democrats tend to drop the ‘g’ at the end of their participles.]

You say, “For sake of argument, let’s suppose we increased tax rates to 70% on corporations and ‘rich guys’ in New York and lowered them to 10% in Pennsylvania. Using your imagination skills, tell me which state would generate more ‘good payin jobs’? Before you respond, I wanted to get your thoughts on California, which, once again, was ranked dead last by CEOs as the worst state to do business. Knowing this statistic, would you still take a job in California as John Travolta’s masseuse?”

If a Progressive Saint Democrat says, “We are a very, very rich country and we have millions of homeless and dolphins are still caught in tuna-nets and Republicans hate women because they are soooo mean that there will be no free health care and birth control and many of us have thousands of dollars in student loan debt it is so unfair!”

You say, “Oh hey, can I see your iPad for a second. Nice one! You know, I’d feel so bad owning one of these because Steve Jobs was really really rich and he created thousands of super high paying jobs and billions in shareholder value for ordinary people’s retirement accounts in the United States as well as thousands of jobs in developing China turning subsistence farmers into that country’s booming middle class. So I hope you don’t mind I’m going to donate your iPad to the homeless guy holding up that lamppost right over there to ease both of our sensitive consciences.”